is life really terrible?

hi myself!
i created this blog for a long time ago, i didn't mean to share it to anyone else, it's not my diary, i dont really want to have one, i wrote this because i'm so tired, my brain need someone or something to take off, i can't get anything in line, my life is an endless sequence, everything in my view have just like a show, stupid show, i wish i can be someone's proud, but i always make mistake, and fall down, i want to love a girl, wanna kiss her, hug her in my arm , protect her like a hero but i dont get enough courage to do that, my life is a rubish and take a girl in my life ,bringing to her all awful things, success what i dream about all of the time, i'm total lost, i afraid myself, afraid to make s1 cry, if the dead can solve this magic math i want to, it's so stupid when i talke like that, but i really dont know how to continue, my life, my love, my faithfull all break at beginning. @@.